Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Letter to my Son

Dear Davie,

        It was six years ago today that we learned about anencephaly. We were given a choice that day. They said we didn't have to keep you, that we could end your life that day and just move on. They didn't know though. They didn't know that even though you had been in my womb only 14 weeks, I had already fallen in love with you. They didn't know that I loved you before I even knew you in my womb. I fell in love with you the day we decided to have another baby. They said we had a choice, but really there was no choice. I loved you too much for there to be a choice. We gave you the only things we could. We gave you love and life, and with that life you changed our lives forever. 

So, my little teddy bear, today I thank you for being my son. I thank you for letting me hear you cry and for looking into my eyes. I thank you for staying with me that night after your body quit working. Most of all I thank you for changing my life. Your life made me a stronger person. You taught me to slow down and to worry less about the things that don't really matter. You made me a better mother and wife and taught me to appreciate the little things. What we gave you is so small compared to what you gave us.  I know of only one way to thank you and that is to live the best I know how so I can be with you again. 
I still miss you and what might have been had you lived, but I look forward to holding you and looking into your eyes again. I will keep moving on the best I can knowing that you are watching and waiting.  Today, for you, I will hug your brothers and sisters a little longer and take a break from the chores to spend more time with them. I will be the mother I promised you I would be the day we laid your body in the ground. Today, for me, I will let myself shed some tears, hold your bear and look at your pictures. And then tomorrow, when I get busy and maybe lose my temper with your brothers or forget to tell your sisters the good things they've done, please forgive me. For though you have taught me much, I still have a lot to learn. Please know that I try every day to live like the person you deserve as a mother, but most days, I fear, I fall short. I will always love you and remember you.

1 comment:

  1. Kiley,

    Tears...that photo...
    I have always thought about you and this trial you have had to endure. I remember watching you get up and walking out of Sacrament meeting,crying, still pregnant.I can't remember what the talks were on but my heart ached for you and I knew why you walked out.

    I don't know what it is like to lose a child after giving birth to it. I can't imagine the grief and pain.It's my worst fear.
    I have lost 5 pregnancies, one of which we were told was a boy. I can relate to a certain extent.
    I only hope I can be a better person and be privledged enough to raise those I lost. All 5 of them.
    I feel like they gave their life for Emersyn. I know that sounds wierd. For if I had those others I wouldn't have gotten her.

    Your little Davey was just to precious to endure this world we live in.He is the lucky one. He is back in the arms of our Heavenly Father.
    He was able to gain a body because of you.It seems selfish to use our bodies for just that purpose and then leave us, doesn't it.

    When I continued having miscarriages I decided that in the midst of heartache, I was doing something worthy. Bringing spirits here. If my only purpose for being pregnant with those 5 babies was to give them a body then so be it.Let them use me. I was willing.

    Allow yourself to be sad. Hold your family close and know that you selfishly gave life to a precious spirit.

    Take care,